I poop at that park!

It’s like I’m almost famous!

And my mom does this voice of Wall-E that drives me crazy! It’s like Wall-E’s voice is also from my neighborhood!

We are so happening here in Bloomington Minnesota.

Do not stalk me.

So. What have you been doing since I last posted? Not that I really care. I was just trying to get you to ask me what I’ve been doing since I last posted.

It’s been pretty tough here at my house. I’ve been very neglected. Only two meals a day and two walks to the park a day. My Kong ball only gets filled every once in a great while. And that damn kitty won’t let me sit on her or put my mouth over her head.

My mom went out and got a stinky pedicure yesterday. My pedicures are never that stinky. But I wish I could get that stuff on my nails that looks like salmon.

Question. Does your mom also torment you by putting her feet by your face and then yelling “No! Do not lick the toes?”

I mean, really. Aren’t toes for licking?

Lady. Let me lick your toes. Please. I don’t ask for much. Just let me lick.

What is the deal lately with mom putting stuff on me and then telling me to Stay! ?

Do I look like Dooce’s Chuck?

Oh. I do? Kind of?

Chuck should be this gorgeous.

Also? Is that a cross on the bracelet she set on me? Should my mom be touching crosses, taunting Jesus?

Jesus might have missed her when she was out for lunch with her friend, Dick, recently. Killing the guy at the table across the restaurant. But Jesus has been working on his aim ever since, I’m guessing, and is going to make sure to hit her with the lightning bolt next time she pisses him off. I don’t want to be any part of that wrath.

You know, though, that’s kind of pretty. I’d like one of those pretty bracelets with the cross.

I bet they’d poop out real pretty.

She washed my blankie today. Man, I love my blankie. It’s dark (I can’t really tell what color it is because I’m a dog and I don’t know from my colors. Oh, and I don’t really know what that means – “colors” – Is colors edible?)

We’ve been going on walks, thank you very much where were all the walks earlier this winter? I like the walks but man, I HATE THAT LEASH ON MY FACE!

What is up with that? A leash on my face? How humiliating!

I’m trying to get that damned thing off but I CAN NOT GET THAT DAMNED THING OFF NO MATTER HOW MUCH I RUB MY FACE ON THE SNOW AND THE ICE AND THE ROAD AND THE SNOW AND THE ICE AND THE ROAD AND THE SNOW AND THE ICE AND THE ROAD AND THE SNOW!

Stupid leash. I miss Chuck. I can’t go and find chuckchuckchuck if I can not run free!

Oh! I forgot to tell you something! There’s this guy who keeps sleeping in our house. I don’t know him and I don’t trust him and I don’t like him! He looks like a fat version of my dad. Oops. I’m not supposed to call him dad. I mean my “owner” (like I can ever be owned – born freeeeeeee, as free as the grass grows, as free as my leash goes, born free to follow your nose!!!! ) Anyhoodle. I’m going to keep barking and growling at this guy until he knows it ain’t right that he’s sleeping in our house. We got enough people in this house. There’s me and the cat, who’s head fits in my mouth, the other cat who’s kind of a bitch but what have you, my mom, my pretend owner, those two skinny teenaged boys who are really really really really really funny and nice. We don’t need no round bald guy sleeping on our couch! I don’t care who’s brother he is! He doesn’t bring me treats or rub my belly? He is no one to me!

My mom took me out in the back yard with one of those haltie leads. You know, those silly things that go over a dog’s nose and make them look stupid? I know. It works. I don’t pull her when I’m wearing it. blahblahblah.

I was trying to get it off by rubbing my face in the snow. THAT WAS A BLAST!!! But it wouldn’t come off. But I don’t care so much because I was outside and I LOVE BEING OUTSIDE EVEN WHEN IT’S ONLY 10 DEGREES OUTSIDE. GOD! IT’S AWESOME!!!

Even better was when my mom took my leash off.

I went running to the front yard and then I went running down the street and MAN! BEST DAY EVER!!!

Then this really nice guy, his name is Chuck. I like that name. chuck chuck chuck. He said “Hi dog!” and he opened his truck door and man, can you believe it? CAR RIDE WITH CHUCK!!! CHUCK CHUCK CHUCK!!!!

BEST DAY EVER!!!

And then, this is awesome, my mom came driving up in her car and said hi and Chuck told her his  name was Chuck. chuck chuck chuck, god I love that name, and he was going to give me a car ride to my house because CHUCK IS AWESOME! AND HE HAS A TRUCK AND I GOT TO RIDE IN THE FRONT SEAT AND OH MY GOD!!!! BEST DAY EVER!!!

So then mom took me and put me in her car. MY GOD! TWO CAR RIDES IN THE SAME DAY – BEST DAY EVEREVEREVEREVER!

I’m so tired now. That Chuck, he sure was a nice guy. I hope I can find him again next time I run down the street!!!

Awesome!!!!!

Man. I wish I could understand English better, though. My mom was using some really cool sounding words. I wish I knew them! One of them rhymed with Chuck! And I love Chuck!

This afternoon she disappeared behind the trees and when I caught up to her, she was swimming away in the middle of the pond, making an attempt to get to the ducks. I didn’t know she could swim like that and given the horking sound she was making, I don’t think she knew she could swim like that either. I’m just glad she didn’t catch a duck.

She loves to run far far away and then when she realizes I’m not right by her side, she runs back to me. Full speed. I have to turn sideways or she’ll mow me over. Beastie.

I realized that if I poop at the beginning of a walk with my mom, she won’t snap my pinch collar very hard because she’s worried that if she snaps my collar while holding a bag of poop in her hand, she might break my bag of poop open.

hahahaha ha! dumb mom! I’ve got you so trained!

Sometimes she switches my leash to her other hand and lets me walk on the good side. But then you know what? There’s always something on the other side of her that’s more interesting! That’s just so weird! I don’t get it!

And I don’t understand why she keeps telling me my name should be Erma Bombeck with my grass looking greener on the other side of the fence.

What fence? What is she talking about? Who’s Erma Bombeck? Who cares about grass? Why won’t she just let me off of my leash? Alls I want is the squirrels and the chipmunks. Oh, the tasty little chipmunks!

I’m talking about Stella, the incredible leash-pulling dog. Her leash-pulling days are over. Well, almost over. And all I needed to do was drop out of that over-enrolled doggy class and take matters into my own hand. I’ve got a new method that I haven’t seen anywhere. It’s called the Snap Out of It method. It’s not like I’ve been a leash whimp. Nay. I’ve been firm with the leash. When she pulls I stop and hold the leash, forcing her to sit down. We proceed and could continue on the pull/stop/hold/sit/proceed forever and a day.

And I talk and I talk and I talk. Good Doggy. Good Stella. Good Puppy. No Pull. Sit. Heel. Stop It. Goddammit!!!!

I don’t want to talk talk talk. I want to walk my dog on a loose leash. Not right next to me. That’s for city dogs. We live by a creek and a river and a park and another river and a lake and another creek and another lake and a spring and a park and another creek. I want her to be able to enjoy all the smells on the grass or the trail below her. But I don’t want her to yank me.

So I got it under my skin today to snap the shit out of her and take advantage of the pinch collar that I have been worried will puncture her windpipe. It hasn’t yet and she’s done some mighty fine pulling. So that fear behind me (or just one credit card payment to the animal hospital) I decided to see how this approach would work.

People. I am here to tell you that this method is working for me. We started out on the most wooded part of the creek/park today and headed toward the end, where there’s a squirrel condominium somewhere. The area where she would like to drag me so she could get her mouth around every squirrel she sees. By the time we’d reached Squirrel Town, Stella was a new dog. Well, an Improved Dog. She’ll be brand new when we can walk through Squirrel Town and she doesn’t even think about squirrel chasing.

It’s a miracle and I am one step closer to believing in God.

Oh that’s not funny on this day of church. Unless you’re a Jehovah’s Witness. Church day was yesterday. I should not be joking about god unless I’m absolutely sure there isn’t a god. Which I’m pretty sure there isn’t but I haven’t given up hope 100%

I’m glad to have today’s big walk behind us. Stella’s a better dog after she’s had her exercise.

I should go write my new Dog Training Book. Snap Out of It, in bookstores soon. And then watch for Snap Out of It, the Movie and Snap Out of It, On Ice.

BARK!

I have been so busy that I have not had time to blog. My mom takes me so many places and I’ve been playing with so many friends that when I go to my room, where my computer is, I fall asleep right away.

Let me tell you what I’ve been doing.

I’ve been visiting friends.

My BFF, Ellie Myrtle, has come over two times since I saw you guys last time. We go for long walks and run into the creek and then come back to my house where we clean off in the pool. Mostly Ellie Myrtle hangs out in the pool. She really likes my pool.

She really likes to poop alot, too. Man, that dog poops. Her mom is always picking up stuff. She also likes to pee. Everywhere. Except she doesn’t poop or pee in the pool. That’s good. Don’t you agree?

This weekend I went to visit my new friend, Hannah. She’s a Sheeba Inu. Or some such silliness. I know she’s lying. I know she’s a little red fox. She’s just lucky I ain’t one of them coon hounds.

Hannah lives right in my neighborhood but we met at the dog park. I love the dog park! Hannah’s got a real-people brother who likes to run and so we went running a whole lot while Hannah and her parents had to keep stopping and talking to people who didn’t believe that she wasn’t a little red fox.

I got in trouble again at the dog park. Man. I’m always getting in trouble there. People just don’t understand. But you see, there was this kid. He was a big kid. He had a stick in one hand and the other hand he was using to go and “pet” dogs. But he wasn’t really petting them. He was shoving them down. I didn’t know this kid and when he came running over to me with a stick in his hand, I thought he was going to hit me so I started to bark and growl and tell him to leave me alone. I just wanted to run with the other doggies. I heard my mom yell so I went running to her to ask her why she was so mad. She made me leave the park right away because everyone at the park was really mad at me for barking and growling at that dumb kid.

Dumb kid. He’s not a dog. He should go to a Dumb Kid Park.

1. She’s got a fluffy tail. Just like a squirrel! I love to chase squirrels and I love to chase the baby kitty.
2. Her head fits in my mouth! That is freakin’ awesome.

Sincerely,

Stella Mirra Logic, Retrieved Golden

I just wanted to run and run and run but mom kept pulling me on my leash. I wish my mom would stop pulling me. She is terrible with a leash! Maybe she should stop using one altogether.

There was a fountain at the rose garden and I tried to go in a whole bunch of times but mom and that leash of hers. sigh. I really wish she didn’t need a leash. stupid leash.

Mom doesn’t want me to play with it and was really mad at me at doggy class last night. I kept asking her to play by jumping up and grabbing the leash in my mouth and tugging at it. Trying to get her to pull back and sometimes she pulled back but mostly she got mad and looked like she was going to cry. I didn’t want her to cry so sometimes I did what she told me to do. Sit. Heel. Halt. Wait. Come. whatever. Mostly I just wanted her to play Tug with the leash.

Stupid leash.

From the Desk of Mom:

I took Stella to the Lake Harriet Rose Garden this afternoon, hoping it would tire her out before obedience class. I had alot of trouble getting her to stop pulling her leash. By the time we left the park, I was the one who was worn out and she was ready to play some more.

At obedience class last night, Stella would not follow directions and instead jumped up on me constantly, trying to play tug-of-war with her leash. I was exhausted and near tears and just wanted to go home. It was the longest hour and more than once the instructor told me that I needed to work with Stella more during the week. Which I had been doing and just really wanted to go home.

By the time I got home I was ready to collapse and give up on obedience training altogether. But this morning I woke up, fresh and rested. Knowing that while I have been working very hard with Stella, I have not been consistent. And I’m going to have to be very consistent because Stella is a very head-strong dog.

There’s a Dickens in her and I saw it just now when I opened up the photos from yesterday’s garden tour:

Do you see that shifty look?  (click on it for a closer look at that shifty eye)

Do you?

That’s the little rat bastard doggy who attended class with me last night.