Tormented Unwanted Squirrel!

Did you see that movie Up? Did you know that the guy who wrote it is from this neighborhood? And that some of the forest scenes were from his memories of the park & creek that I walk at every day?

I poop at that park!

It’s like I’m almost famous!

And my mom does this voice of Wall-E that drives me crazy! It’s like Wall-E’s voice is also from my neighborhood!

We are so happening here in Bloomington Minnesota.

Do not stalk me.

So. What have you been doing since I last posted? Not that I really care. I was just trying to get you to ask me what I’ve been doing since I last posted.

It’s been pretty tough here at my house. I’ve been very neglected. Only two meals a day and two walks to the park a day. My Kong ball only gets filled every once in a great while. And that damn kitty won’t let me sit on her or put my mouth over her head.

My mom went out and got a stinky pedicure yesterday. My pedicures are never that stinky. But I wish I could get that stuff on my nails that looks like salmon.

Question. Does your mom also torment you by putting her feet by your face and then yelling “No! Do not lick the toes?”

I mean, really. Aren’t toes for licking?

Lady. Let me lick your toes. Please. I don’t ask for much. Just let me lick.

What is the deal lately with mom putting stuff on me and then telling me to Stay! ?

Do I look like Dooce’s Chuck?

Oh. I do? Kind of?

Chuck should be this gorgeous.

Also? Is that a cross on the bracelet she set on me? Should my mom be touching crosses, taunting Jesus?

Jesus might have missed her when she was out for lunch with her friend, Dick, recently. Killing the guy at the table across the restaurant. But Jesus has been working on his aim ever since, I’m guessing, and is going to make sure to hit her with the lightning bolt next time she pisses him off. I don’t want to be any part of that wrath.

You know, though, that’s kind of pretty. I’d like one of those pretty bracelets with the cross.

I bet they’d poop out real pretty.

I Write the Songs that Make the Whole World Sing

Except for a couple of things, my mom is THE BEST DOG MOM EVER!

She washed my blankie today. Man, I love my blankie. It’s dark (I can’t really tell what color it is because I’m a dog and I don’t know from my colors. Oh, and I don’t really know what that means – “colors” – Is colors edible?)

We’ve been going on walks, thank you very much where were all the walks earlier this winter? I like the walks but man, I HATE THAT LEASH ON MY FACE!

What is up with that? A leash on my face? How humiliating!

I’m trying to get that damned thing off but I CAN NOT GET THAT DAMNED THING OFF NO MATTER HOW MUCH I RUB MY FACE ON THE SNOW AND THE ICE AND THE ROAD AND THE SNOW AND THE ICE AND THE ROAD AND THE SNOW AND THE ICE AND THE ROAD AND THE SNOW!

Stupid leash. I miss Chuck. I can’t go and find chuckchuckchuck if I can not run free!

Oh! I forgot to tell you something! There’s this guy who keeps sleeping in our house. I don’t know him and I don’t trust him and I don’t like him! He looks like a fat version of my dad. Oops. I’m not supposed to call him dad. I mean my “owner” (like I can ever be owned – born freeeeeeee, as free as the grass grows, as free as my leash goes, born free to follow your nose!!!! ) Anyhoodle. I’m going to keep barking and growling at this guy until he knows it ain’t right that he’s sleeping in our house. We got enough people in this house. There’s me and the cat, who’s head fits in my mouth, the other cat who’s kind of a bitch but what have you, my mom, my pretend owner, those two skinny teenaged boys who are really really really really really funny and nice. We don’t need no round bald guy sleeping on our couch! I don’t care who’s brother he is! He doesn’t bring me treats or rub my belly? He is no one to me!

chuckchuckchuck

Dear Peoples: I just had THE BEST DAY EVER! EVEREVEREVER!!!

My mom took me out in the back yard with one of those haltie leads. You know, those silly things that go over a dog’s nose and make them look stupid? I know. It works. I don’t pull her when I’m wearing it. blahblahblah.

I was trying to get it off by rubbing my face in the snow. THAT WAS A BLAST!!! But it wouldn’t come off. But I don’t care so much because I was outside and I LOVE BEING OUTSIDE EVEN WHEN IT’S ONLY 10 DEGREES OUTSIDE. GOD! IT’S AWESOME!!!

Even better was when my mom took my leash off.

I went running to the front yard and then I went running down the street and MAN! BEST DAY EVER!!!

Then this really nice guy, his name is Chuck. I like that name. chuck chuck chuck. He said “Hi dog!” and he opened his truck door and man, can you believe it? CAR RIDE WITH CHUCK!!! CHUCK CHUCK CHUCK!!!!

BEST DAY EVER!!!

And then, this is awesome, my mom came driving up in her car and said hi and Chuck told her his  name was Chuck. chuck chuck chuck, god I love that name, and he was going to give me a car ride to my house because CHUCK IS AWESOME! AND HE HAS A TRUCK AND I GOT TO RIDE IN THE FRONT SEAT AND OH MY GOD!!!! BEST DAY EVER!!!

So then mom took me and put me in her car. MY GOD! TWO CAR RIDES IN THE SAME DAY – BEST DAY EVEREVEREVEREVER!

I’m so tired now. That Chuck, he sure was a nice guy. I hope I can find him again next time I run down the street!!!

Awesome!!!!!

Man. I wish I could understand English better, though. My mom was using some really cool sounding words. I wish I knew them! One of them rhymed with Chuck! And I love Chuck!

At The Dog Park

It’s so nice that Stella is so much better at the dog park these days. It’s huge and it’s a great place for her to run. And lordy, she loves to run.

This afternoon she disappeared behind the trees and when I caught up to her, she was swimming away in the middle of the pond, making an attempt to get to the ducks. I didn’t know she could swim like that and given the horking sound she was making, I don’t think she knew she could swim like that either. I’m just glad she didn’t catch a duck.

 

 

 

She loves to run far far away and then when she realizes I’m not right by her side, she runs back to me. Full speed. I have to turn sideways or she’ll mow me over. Beastie.

Doggy Bag

Wanna know how smart I am? Do you?

I realized that if I poop at the beginning of a walk with my mom, she won’t snap my pinch collar very hard because she’s worried that if she snaps my collar while holding a bag of poop in her hand, she might break my bag of poop open.

hahahaha ha! dumb mom! I’ve got you so trained!

The Other Side of the Fence

I can’t figure this out. It’s so weird. But every time I’m walking on a sidewalk with my mom, there’s always something on the other side of her that’s more interesting than the side she’s got me walking on! If I’m walking on her left side, I just know there’s good stuff on her right so. So I try and walk over there. Sometimes my mom yanks me back. Meany. Other times she trips over me. Ha! She should pay attention!

Sometimes she switches my leash to her other hand and lets me walk on the good side. But then you know what? There’s always something on the other side of her that’s more interesting! That’s just so weird! I don’t get it!

And I don’t understand why she keeps telling me my name should be Erma Bombeck with my grass looking greener on the other side of the fence.

What fence? What is she talking about? Who’s Erma Bombeck? Who cares about grass? Why won’t she just let me off of my leash? Alls I want is the squirrels and the chipmunks. Oh, the tasty little chipmunks!

From the Desk of Kathy: Snap Out Of It

By george, I’ve got it. I’ve really really got it. And why I didn’t get it until now just makes me wonder what else I might not be getting.

I’m talking about Stella, the incredible leash-pulling dog. Her leash-pulling days are over. Well, almost over. And all I needed to do was drop out of that over-enrolled doggy class and take matters into my own hand. I’ve got a new method that I haven’t seen anywhere. It’s called the Snap Out of It method. It’s not like I’ve been a leash whimp. Nay. I’ve been firm with the leash. When she pulls I stop and hold the leash, forcing her to sit down. We proceed and could continue on the pull/stop/hold/sit/proceed forever and a day.

And I talk and I talk and I talk. Good Doggy. Good Stella. Good Puppy. No Pull. Sit. Heel. Stop It. Goddammit!!!!

I don’t want to talk talk talk. I want to walk my dog on a loose leash. Not right next to me. That’s for city dogs. We live by a creek and a river and a park and another river and a lake and another creek and another lake and a spring and a park and another creek. I want her to be able to enjoy all the smells on the grass or the trail below her. But I don’t want her to yank me.

So I got it under my skin today to snap the shit out of her and take advantage of the pinch collar that I have been worried will puncture her windpipe. It hasn’t yet and she’s done some mighty fine pulling. So that fear behind me (or just one credit card payment to the animal hospital) I decided to see how this approach would work.

People. I am here to tell you that this method is working for me. We started out on the most wooded part of the creek/park today and headed toward the end, where there’s a squirrel condominium somewhere. The area where she would like to drag me so she could get her mouth around every squirrel she sees. By the time we’d reached Squirrel Town, Stella was a new dog. Well, an Improved Dog. She’ll be brand new when we can walk through Squirrel Town and she doesn’t even think about squirrel chasing.

It’s a miracle and I am one step closer to believing in God.

Oh that’s not funny on this day of church. Unless you’re a Jehovah’s Witness. Church day was yesterday. I should not be joking about god unless I’m absolutely sure there isn’t a god. Which I’m pretty sure there isn’t but I haven’t given up hope 100%

I’m glad to have today’s big walk behind us. Stella’s a better dog after she’s had her exercise.

I should go write my new Dog Training Book. Snap Out of It, in bookstores soon. And then watch for Snap Out of It, the Movie and Snap Out of It, On Ice.

Dumb Kid Park

The ROOF The ROOF The ROOF is on fire!

BARK!

I have been so busy that I have not had time to blog. My mom takes me so many places and I’ve been playing with so many friends that when I go to my room, where my computer is, I fall asleep right away.

Let me tell you what I’ve been doing.

I’ve been visiting friends.

My BFF, Ellie Myrtle, has come over two times since I saw you guys last time. We go for long walks and run into the creek and then come back to my house where we clean off in the pool. Mostly Ellie Myrtle hangs out in the pool. She really likes my pool.

She really likes to poop alot, too. Man, that dog poops. Her mom is always picking up stuff. She also likes to pee. Everywhere. Except she doesn’t poop or pee in the pool. That’s good. Don’t you agree?

This weekend I went to visit my new friend, Hannah. She’s a Sheeba Inu. Or some such silliness. I know she’s lying. I know she’s a little red fox. She’s just lucky I ain’t one of them coon hounds.

Hannah lives right in my neighborhood but we met at the dog park. I love the dog park! Hannah’s got a real-people brother who likes to run and so we went running a whole lot while Hannah and her parents had to keep stopping and talking to people who didn’t believe that she wasn’t a little red fox.

I got in trouble again at the dog park. Man. I’m always getting in trouble there. People just don’t understand. But you see, there was this kid. He was a big kid. He had a stick in one hand and the other hand he was using to go and “pet” dogs. But he wasn’t really petting them. He was shoving them down. I didn’t know this kid and when he came running over to me with a stick in his hand, I thought he was going to hit me so I started to bark and growl and tell him to leave me alone. I just wanted to run with the other doggies. I heard my mom yell so I went running to her to ask her why she was so mad. She made me leave the park right away because everyone at the park was really mad at me for barking and growling at that dumb kid.

Dumb kid. He’s not a dog. He should go to a Dumb Kid Park.

What I Like About You

These are the things I like bestest about the baby kitty:

1. She’s got a fluffy tail. Just like a squirrel! I love to chase squirrels and I love to chase the baby kitty.
2. Her head fits in my mouth! That is freakin’ awesome.

Sincerely,

Stella Mirra Logic, Retrieved Golden

The Leash

I got to go for a RIDE IN THE CAR yesterday! Mom took me to a place she called the Lake Harriet Rose Garden. And dogs can even go in there! But dogs can’t go into the flower beds. I wanted to go into the flower beds because they didn’t have any holes in them and a good garden bed has holes in it.

I just wanted to run and run and run but mom kept pulling me on my leash. I wish my mom would stop pulling me. She is terrible with a leash! Maybe she should stop using one altogether.

There was a fountain at the rose garden and I tried to go in a whole bunch of times but mom and that leash of hers. sigh. I really wish she didn’t need a leash. stupid leash.

Mom doesn’t want me to play with it and was really mad at me at doggy class last night. I kept asking her to play by jumping up and grabbing the leash in my mouth and tugging at it. Trying to get her to pull back and sometimes she pulled back but mostly she got mad and looked like she was going to cry. I didn’t want her to cry so sometimes I did what she told me to do. Sit. Heel. Halt. Wait. Come. whatever. Mostly I just wanted her to play Tug with the leash.

Stupid leash.

From the Desk of Mom:

I took Stella to the Lake Harriet Rose Garden this afternoon, hoping it would tire her out before obedience class. I had alot of trouble getting her to stop pulling her leash. By the time we left the park, I was the one who was worn out and she was ready to play some more.

At obedience class last night, Stella would not follow directions and instead jumped up on me constantly, trying to play tug-of-war with her leash. I was exhausted and near tears and just wanted to go home. It was the longest hour and more than once the instructor told me that I needed to work with Stella more during the week. Which I had been doing and just really wanted to go home.

By the time I got home I was ready to collapse and give up on obedience training altogether. But this morning I woke up, fresh and rested. Knowing that while I have been working very hard with Stella, I have not been consistent. And I’m going to have to be very consistent because Stella is a very head-strong dog.

There’s a Dickens in her and I saw it just now when I opened up the photos from yesterday’s garden tour:

Do you see that shifty look?  (click on it for a closer look at that shifty eye)

Do you?

That’s the little rat bastard doggy who attended class with me last night.

Tag, You’re It

Ellie Myrtle? Are you there? Tell your mom that my mom got that fun ball at Chuck & Don’s. Right by the grocery store she goes to.

Don’t be jealous of that picture of me playing with another friend in my swimming pool. You’re still my BFF and if I had a cell phone and I could text message you, I’d send you that text every day! That’s my cousin dog, Rasta. Sometimes a dog has to entertain a cousin dog when they come over, whether they like that dog or not. I like Rasta. She’s nice. I just didn’t want her playing in my pool or sitting in my hole that I’ve been trying to dig but can’t because mean people keep yelling at me when I get to work.

It is my dog-given right to dig holes. Why don’t these people know that?

Last night my mom took me to the free, sneaky entrance into a county park. They’ve got a great dog path there. Only you’re supposed to pay to go into this park. Unless you know the back sneaky way that my mom has always used since she was a kid. It’s pretty cool and everybody who’s somebody knows the back sneaky way. Maybe Ellie Myrtle should go there with me some time!

Mom got mad at me because I just wanted to serpentine and smell the 3.4 million smells per square inch. She wants me to walk in a straight line. Next to her stupid leg. With my head up. Smelling nothing but stuff that is about 2 feet high and coming right at me. But there are better smells to the left of me. To the right of me. Behind me. Below me. Across the path.

Duh.

I forgot to tell you people. My skin itches again. My mom took my collar off because she said I make too much noise scratching and jangling my charms. I want my charms back. I want my collar back. It’s pretty and it’s got polka dots. I love polka dots.

My dad (I’ll call him that if I want) is worried that it’s the food he bought a ton of because he got a deal on it. I’m going to be in a whole lot of trouble if that’s what it is. He’s pretty adamant that I’m just going to have to itch until I eat all 50 lbs. of it. Which would be a week, if it were up to me. Stupid vet. I did NOT gain 5 lbs. in one month. It’s the water from the pool on my fur.

I forgot to tell you people another thing. Me and the baby cat are starting to try and maybe kind of be friends. Everything would be good if she’d just run and let me chase her around. I like playing tag and I like playing tag when she’s IT!

Like A Lady

I like this picture of me. It’s the BEST PICTURE EVER because it looks like my head fell off.

I am the funniest dog EVER!

When I’m playing with my toys and I’m chewing on them, I like to get comfortable and this is the way I feel the most comfortable. What is wrong with?

 
This is the best toy.

EVER!

Except it doesn’t squeak anymore. As a matter of dog fact, it quit squeaking the first day I got it. It does not hold up to the Can Stella Tear The Squeaker Out test.

It does, however, hold up to the Can Stella Tear It Into Smithereens test?

 

Last week after my shots at the clinic, mom and I stopped at her friend’s house. This friend is a doctor at the clinic where I go but I haven’t met her yet.

That mean doctor said I had a big head, just like a boy dog.

I am not a boy dog. A boy dog wouldn’t sit like a lady!

BARK!

This Time I Really Mean It

You know how sometimes I say that something makes it The Best Day Ever?! Well, this time it really has been THE BEST DAY EVER!

I got to go for a ride in the white jeep!

I know! Last time I rode in the white jeep I jumped out down the block and cut my leg and wanted my mom.

But this time! Man! Mom was in the car with me! And you know what? Dad (I’ll call him that if I want to) took the top off and the doors off of the jeep and put the windshield down so I was pretending I was riding on a motorcyle while on my mom’s lap!

AWESOME!!!!!

We drove around the neighborhood and when we stopped at a corner where there’s a coffee shop, this lady who was sitting at a table, drinking coffee, started telling my mom that I was the cutest dog ever and I was all like, Ain’t I though? Yes I am! Who’s a cute dog? I AM!!!!

I did not want to get out of the jeep. I did not want to go home. I wanted to go to the garden center to visit my BFF Ellie Myrtle. But my mom said we shouldn’t just drop where we got no business dropping in. Besides, Ellie Myrtle might want a ride, too, and there’s not enough room on my mom’s lap. But Ellie Myrtle could have laid in the back, like I was supposed to do but I got all excited and half jumped to the front seat.

IT WAS AWESOME!!!!!

BEST DAY EVER!!!!!!

BARK! (Shouting out to all my doggy readers!)

A Dog Doesn’t Have to Read In Order To Type

I have been a very busy dog. Just too busy to blog much lately. But for you, my dog-loving friends, I will try and tell you all that I have been up to since my last entry.

On Saturday my dad wanted me to learn how to ride in the back of his truck. I did not want to ride in the back of the truck and I tried to tell him by not getting into the back of his truck. But this one time he had snacks in the back of the truck so I got in. While I was eating, he shut the tailgate and I was stuck.

Then he started driving down the street, away from my mom, who was in the house and I just wanted to be with my mom so I jumped out of the back of the truck and onto the street.

I got an owie on my back leg but my mom says it’s just a dot and I am going to be okay.

I don’t want to do that ever again. Unless my mom will ride in the back with me. Then I would do it again. But only then.

Saturday night mom and dad had a bunch of people over for dinner so I got locked in my room. Like I usually do. Is it any wonder I don’t like people?

Last night my mom took me back for another walk around her old junior high school. But this time she didn’t tell me all about it. I remember already, so thank you, mom for not boring me againg.

I am having a hard time getting used to The Claw (that’s what I call that nasty pinchy dog collar) but my mom says I’m more fun to take for walks.

I didn’t know why there was a big tent in the school yard but tonight, when we tried to go over there, there was a marching band marching and banding near it. Mom said it’s from the high school across the street. Whatever. That’s my yard but I guess I’ll let them use it for a little bit.

Tonight, dad went on the walk with us. Because we couldn’t go to the middle school, we went to an elementary school. But we couldn’t go there because kids were playing football where I wanted to walk. So we drove to a church. But the church had people there. Who’s at a church on a Monday night? Crazy!

We ended up back at the place where I ripped open mom’s knee last week. But this time mom said she wasnt’ going to worry about it because now I’m wearing The Claw.

Stupid The Claw.

This is me and that is dad.

This is what we looked like at the beginning of the walk.

Aren’t we good looking?

We both have red hair.

But I have more.

Lots more.

Lots and lots more.

Lots.

I’m just sayin’

We walked past this fenced-in parking lot and mom and dad started laughing.

I don’t know why.

They were talking about ‘tennis court’

But I didn’t see a tennis court.

Just a tennis court fence.

With a parking lot inside.

Mom took a picture. I don’t know why. I can’t read. I can only type words that say stuff.

There’s a Japanese Garden here. But mom and dad wouldn’t let me go in and run around in it. Mom and dad are so mean.

It’s the coolest looking place and I know, for a fact, that there are a bunch of big and orange fish in the water.

Man. I wanted to go in so bad.

But mom said there was a sign that said I couldn’t go in.

Sometimes I wish I could read. But mostly I wish I couldn’t. Because if a dog can’t read, a dog can go wherever she wants to go.

Signs. Signs.

Everywhere.

Signs.

Blocking up the scenery

Breaking my mind

do this

don’t do that

can’t you read the sign?

Where have  I heard that before?

I am 100 percent certain that there are fish in there, just waiting to play with me.

Stupid rules.

So unfair.

From the Desk of Mom Logic: Obedience Class 101.1

Thor and I just returned from the lecture portion of obedience training. Well, not JUST. We stopped by the pet supply store and made a run for some Chinese food…but I am JUST sitting down and thought I’d write a little entry behind Stella’s back to let you know what I learned…

I learned that we needed to buy one of those training pinch collars.

I was just waiting for someone of authority to give me the go ahead to purchase one of those things. That damn beastie is not going to drag me anywhere anymore.

I am tempted to put it on her right this very minute and drag her around the block. Show her who’s boss. But I need to file the prong ends a little bit more so she knows what she needs to do.

I kid. I’m not going to sharpen them.

Yet.

Back off Peta members. They make these in your size, too.

I am very excited for this class. The teacher uses positive praise training methods. I did not want to be in a class with 15 dogs and 30 dog owners screaming and beating their dogs into submission.

I’m just disappointed that I didn’t see a class on “Bringing your mom a glass of Disgruntled Housewife red wine”.

One Dog Purple Bead Eater Purple Poop Dropper

The cats hate me. I don’t know why I’m a very nice doggy. I just want to be friends and I promise, I won’t chase them like I chased the rabbit the other night.

The older one smacks at my face all of the time. And the little one won’t let me near her. Sometimes she’ll touch my nose with her nose from behind the door gate. But that’s it.

I wish they’d either be my friends or disappear altogether. Untraceable. Bones and everything.

Stupid cats.

My dad told my mom (I was eavesdropping) the other night that he can’t tell which of the food on the kitchen counters is people food and which is doggy food.

Dad. It’s all mine. So, can I have it? Can I? Please? Can I? Huh? Can I have it?

He got mad at Thing 1 (My oldest older brother) because Thing 1 gave me a cookie and dad thought it was a people cookie but it was not. It was a doggy cookie. Proven by the puppy paw baked into the top. Which made dad look funny, like he was wondering if maybe he’d accidentally eaten one. That’s okay dad, there’s cinnamon in them. So what if you feel the need to poop in the back yard. It’s a big back yard. There’s poop room for everyone.

Except mom’s friend, Sting.

Sorry. Inside joke between me and mom and mom’s friend, Sting.

Mom and dad have been whispering about where they’re going tonight. But I know where they’re going. They’re going to a class that will teach them how to be nicer to me. And how they should let me run all over the city without a leash. And let me bark at handicapped people. And eat stuff from the refrigerator. And socks.

Speaking of eating really good stuff, mom was mad at me (again) the other day because I was nibbling on some purple beads. It wasn’t my idea. One of those stupid cats knocked them off the table. I was just trying to get rid of the evidence so the cat wouldn’t get in trouble.

I can’t wait to see how pretty my poop is going to be!

Letter of Apology

Dear Mom:

I am a very bad dog and I deserve to stay in my kennel until the end of time. I know. I done a very bad thing.

But mom, there was a rabbit. Right on the walking path. And it is a dog-given right for me to catch rabbits. I am not only a retriever, I am a double retriever. Golden and Yellow Labrador. I cannot help myself.

But I am reallyreallyreallyreally to infinity sorry about what happened tonight when we were on our walk. A very nice walk, by the way, even though I am not allowed in the Japanese Gardens at the community center. Mom. What is up with that? Dogs need equal park rights. As long as their mom’s got a poop bag on her, why can’t a dog be in a park, too? When I was a stray, I’d go wherever I could. Any park I wanted in, I went in. It is just sad that Iowa doesn’t have any good parks. Now here I am, surrounded by beautiful, corporate pig-farm-free parks and I can’t go into them. It is a dog-given right, I tell you. Where is my dog lobbyist? If dogs had money just like those tobacco pushers, you’d bet we’d go into whatever park we wanted and you people would have to get our permission.

Oh, but I digress.

I am so veryveryveryvery sorry that you got hurt when you were unable to stand on your own two feet. You are weak, you can’t help it. And I am strong. I can’t help it. I haven’t had my obedience class yet and remember, there was that rabbit. Right on the walking path. If that rabbit wouldn’t have hopped off and hidden, I wouldn’t have had to attempt to dive into the woods, off of the path so very many times, each time at a stronger pull.

You really need to go back to the gym for more strength training.

Oh. Sorry. I was apologizing. I’m sorry. I promise that I won’t drag you down onto a gravelly path ever again. Unless there’s a rabbit. Or a squirrel. A bird. A duck. A loon. Probably an egret or a heron would need my catching. And one of those dandelion fuzzy things. A leaf. Always a cat. Maybe a raccoon. Oh hell, definitely a raccoon. And a skunk. But other than that, I promise I won’t drag you down.

Sorry mom. I’ll just stay in my kennel and be real quiet for awhile.

Love,

Stella Mirra

p.s. Can I get something more to eat? I’m really hungry.

Dog-Given Rights

We just got back from a walk at my mom’s old junior high school and it’s the same place she went to the third grade in. Not that she was smart enough to go to junior high school in the third grade, but that there’s an elementary school connected to the junior high. Which is why it’s a great school to walk at because it’s really and very big. Both. It’s so big.

We’ve walked here before and I’m starting to catch on that mom keeps telling me the same stuff over and over again.

Come here Stella! I want to look in the choir room windows! I spent all my favorite junior high school time in here! This is the alto side. One day there was a bat sitting right over our heads. All the sopranos screamed. But not the altos. Altos are tough. Sopranos are all blonde and they scream alot. Dumb blonde sopranos. They got all the boys, too.

Hey Stella. This is where I learned how to swim. I’ll never forget my swimming instructor. His name was Kim. No, not girl Kim. Boy Kim. No, not Penny Kim or Lady Kim. Those are daddy’s aunt.  Both names. One woman. Maybe I’ll blog about that later. Anyway. Kim was so cute. I had a very big 3rd grade crush on him. I still have my card that he signed when I passed the class. Too bad they don’t have swimming lessons here anymore. That would be really cool. They’d open these doors and you could watch kids swim in the pool!.

Blah blah blah. Yes, mom. That would be so exciting. Sitting here watching kids swim in the pool. What about me? I like kids! I like to swim in the pool! I’m going to be happy sitting here and watching? Jesus Christ, I think you are the dumbest mom EVER!

Mom got kind of mad at me in the beginning of our walk because I pooped in the trees and bushes and pond area (Hey Stella! I planted a whole bunch of these trees here back in the 7th grade. Or was it 8th. Maybe 9th. I can’t remember. But this nature thingy wasn’t here and my class planted a bunch of this stuff so it wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for me and my classmates. Blah blah blah. Big deal. Do you see the weeds I just pooped on? Did you plant those, too?) and she realized that we’d lost the little thing with poop baggies that sticks to my leash handle. She blamed it on me like it was my fault because I’d been yanking her on our walk. I wasn’t yanking her. I was trying to get her to hurry up because there were 150 million things I needed to smell and I didn’t have enough time to smell them before the walk was over. Cripes. Bitch. Hurry the hell up!

We left the poop behind. In a nature area. big damn deal. My poop’s nature, isn’t it? She’ll probably lose sleep over it. Crazy mom.

When we got done with our walk we WENT FOR A RIDE IN THE CAR. YAY! A RIDE IN THE CAR!!!! BEST DAY EVER!!!!!

We did the drive up ATM. Boring. Didn’t make me want to hop over the back seat at all. Which, by the way, would have made her yell at me. She has been yelling at me a whole lot about not hopping over the back seat. Like the middle seat is reserved for royalty or something. I cannot hang my  head out a window from the back of the Highlander. I want to hang my head out the window. But nay, if I do happen to succeed and make it into the middle seats (note to other dog friends: do it where she can’t pull over and yell at you to get in the back, like right outside the Burger King drive-up window. Score) she shuts the damn windows almost all the way. What is up with that. Is it not my dog-given right to hang my head out the window? I thought it was. I need to get my hands on the book about dog-given rights.

After that we drove over to Uncle John’s house. God. I love barking at Uncle John and growling at him. It’s the BEST THING EVER!!!! He gets all scaredy catty and I’m pretty sure he pees his pants but he’s probably wearing adult diapers because he’s such a big damn baby. BARK!!!!!  (scared ya Uncle John!)

Man. I got so mad because mom wouldn’t let me out of the car. She just ran to the door, ignoring my barking, to go talk to Uncle John. I couldn’t scare him at all. This was not the best thing ever. This was the worst thing ever. In my whole life.

Well, except that part of my life where I lived in Iowa. Who wants to live in Iowa. Not me. That’s for sure.

The Thing With Wheels With The Person Inside

I couldn’t help myself. Mom went for a ride in the car without me and I was so mad that I had to do something. So I took that dang pillow she uses to nap on and I kind of, sort of, but just a little bit…

chewed on it.

I wasn’t going to say anything about it. It was just a little hole. But Dad (I’m calling him that. It’s my blog. He can’t stop me) told on me. He’s the biggest tattletale.

Mom didn’t yell at me or anything. Besides, dad already gave me a time out for it. I think that’s why he made me go to my room. I can’t remember. It takes so long to get to my room that by the time I get there, I can never remember why I’m there.

What did I do?

I didn’t do anything. I am a good dog.

For instance. My family had this big, giant platter of food from Famous Dave’s and I didn’t jump up on the counter even one time to grab a rib or some chicken, that I so deserve.

Man. That chicken smelled so good. I should have jumped up and  had some. But I just know they’d put me in my room again and I wouldn’t remember why they put me in my room and it’s just confusing some times. I wish I could remember things for more than five seconds.

After dinner Mom and Dad took me for a CAR RIDE!!! OH MY GOD!!!!! THE BREEZES IN MY FACE!!!!! THE STOPS AND THE STARTS AND THE TURNS THAT MAKE ME FALL OVER!!!!!!

They. took. me. to. the…

DOG PARK!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!! DOG FRIENDS!!!!! AWESOME!!!!!! Pull over, pull over, pull over NOW!!!!!!!

I had so much fun running and jumping and barking and running and jumping and barking and running and jumping and barking.

Until that scary lady came in with that thing with wheels that had a person inside it. That scared me. A thing with wheels with a person inside it? What does that mean? I was out of my head I was so scared so I started to do what any dog would do. Well, what I would do because none of the other dogs seemed scared by a person inside a thing with wheels. I started barking and growling and man, my Mom and Dad were so mad they made me leave the park right away. What the hell. Who was going to bark and growl and that scary lady bringing in a thing with wheels with a person inside it? They were all going to die. DIE!

But mom and dad made me go home and they were so mad at me. Again. Will they never stop being so mad?  I even heard mom tell dad that I shouldn’t go back to the DOG PARK until I went to obedience training. What is that? I don’t know? It scares me and I’m going to have to bark and growl because that’s what I do when I’m scared.

Unfair Time Out

I am so mad. I didn’t do anything and I’m sitting in my kennel for a time out. Alls I was doing was wagging my tail and expressing my love for the family by jumping up to say “I love you!” I get so excited when people are talking to each other and I want to talk too! But they don’t let me talk and they don’t let me jump up and lick them and love them forever.

It’s just not fair.

My mom just wants to sit and make jewelry and then yell at me once in awhile even though I’m hardly doing anything except chewing on her shoes. She loves those shoes more than she loves me.

“Stop chewing on my chucks!” she’s always yelling

“Don’t eat my chair!”

I am not eating her chair. I am just working on keeping the placque off of my teeth. Her chair has nice placque-removing arms and legs. God. Give me more chewy food. Please. But no, she doesn’t want to give me chewy food because she says it makes my fluffs stinky and my poops endless. I like to fluff. I like to poop. This is what I do. I am a dog.

I should have been a little more discerning in my accepting an adoptive family. A mom who has never had a dog before doesn’t know that I am the best dog ever. Chewing and fluffing and jumping and licking is what good dogs do. I really think she has something against people and dogs from Iowa. I am from Iowa. She is a Minnesota snob. We all know that Iowa is heaven. It said so in that baseball movie with that guy who can’t act. What’s his name? Oh yeah. Kevin Costner. Dude, he and Keanu Reeves. What is up with that?

Bitch better take me to the DOG PARK today or else her Chucks are toast. Heh. Toast. Stuff you eat. I am funny.

Stella’s First Entry

I know I probably said it before but this was the best day EVER! For reelz this time.

Mom Logic didn’t work until this afternoon so we got to hang outside a whole bunch this morning. Then she went to work and I was sad. But when she came home we went back outside! I love outside! There are birds outside and that damn barking dog that lives in the corner of our yard but I can’t get to because there’s a fence in the way. That dog barks and barks and barks. I try to bark and tell it to shut up but it can’t hear me from all of it’s barking.

Later, when Mr. Owner came home (he won’t let me call him Dad) Mom Logic took me for a ride in the car.

A ride! In the car! The best thing ever!

I was so happy when she took me to THE DOG PARK! OH MY GOD! THE DOG PARK! ARE YOU SERIOUS?! This is the best thing ever! Screw that car ride thing!

Mom Logic makes me wear my leash while we’re in the parking lot. She said it’s the law. Stupid law. I just want to jump out of the car and run to the DOG PARK fence. I promise! I won’t go anywhere! But my mom printed off something from the city’s website and let me read it. It really says I have to be on a leash until I’m in the dog park. Stupid laws. I’m supposed to have a city license, too. But my mom is negligent and hasn’t sent in the paperwork yet. Oh wait. She got the paperwork so maybe she’s not negligent, just lazy. Or too cheap to pay the $17.50 to register me. I don’t know. She won’t tell me.

As soon as we got in the gate of the dog park, about a million dogs came over to say hello. Well, maybe it was 6 dogs. But they were all over me and it felt like a million dogs. Mom Logic let me off the leash and all of us dogs went running. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! WE WERE RUNNING!!!!!! IT WAS AWESOME!!! THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER!

I’m sorry. I shouldn’t yell. I’m trying to be a proper dog blogger.

Anyway we ran for a bit and then Mom Logic started going the other way, so I followed her like I always do. I love her. I have to be with her at all times. If she gets too far away, my heart will break right in two. I know it will. I just know it.

She and I went for a really long walk. That dog park is huge. Finally we came to a corner that went down a steep hill to a…get this…this is awesome…A SWIMMING HOLE!!!

There were some kids and a couple of goldens, kind of like me only one of them had long fur and the other one was really gray. I went running for that swimming hole! I barely said hi to the two other goldens because, man, there was water! Swimming is the best thing EVER!

I didn’t like how the gray golden kept hanging out by my mom, who was dumb and petting it. So I was ready to go when my mom headed back up the hill. I don’t need to share her. She’s all mine. Dumb gray dog. Play with your own mom.

When we got back to the beginning of the park, all the other dogs were gone so I was ready to go. In the CAR! FOR A CAR RIDE!!!! Best thing EVER!!!!

Now I’m home and I’m tired so I’m trying to nap. But my mom keeps getting up so I have to keep getting up so I can be right next to her so my heart won’t break in two. I just wish she’d quit telling me to stop being so stinky. I can’t help it my fluffs stink. I am a dog. Stinky fluffs are the best thing ever!

Caffeine Loving (Mom written. I’m writing my own now)

I missed one of the best, so far, Guess What’s In The Doggy’s Mouth?

According to Thor, last night Stella walked into the family room, where he was watching t.v., whilst carrying a bottle of 1/4 full Starbuck’s Caramel Frappucino. Apparently, Thing 1 had the audacity to place it down on a table (!) between sips and Speedy Stella took advantage of his lack of vigilance and helped herself to the bottle. Thankfully she was carrying it open end up and only a small portion was splashed on the floor and stairs.

Stinker.

We just got back from a car ride. She sure does love the car rides. We went to Lake Harriet, in Minneapolis, where she was naughty. She would have been naughtier but I kept her as far away from people as possible. She pretty much sucks at being in public and I’m really looking forward, with a heart full of hope, to obedience training. My dog goal is to take her for a walk around Lake Harriet without my being pulled or her barking and growling at strangers or other dogs.

BFF (Mom wrote this one. Not me. I’ll write my own Ellie Myrtle one)

Stella had her very first actual play date yesterday. With her new best buddy, Ellie Myrtle. If they could text message, they’d be BFF.

I dropped by Floweer’s to return the card tables and chairs she loaned to us for the graduation party and she suggested Thing 1 and I leave Stella with Ellie Myrtle so they could play. Heck, why not. Besides, I wanted to go to this little Minneapolis hardware store where I’d seen plastic swimming pools the night before and pick one up for Stella to play in.

Pool: $11.00

Fun for Stella: Priceless

When we got back to Floweer’s Stella and Ellie Myrtle had successfully bonded. Now Thor needs to hurry up and finish fencing off our back yard so we can set up a play date for the two BFF over here.

I set the swimming pool up in the back yard and Stella wanted nothing to do with it. She would drink water out of if than back up and bark at it. I stood inside of the pool and explained to her how wonderful the water felt. She stuck her nose in a little farther and barked a little louder. Then I started kicking water at her. At first she was offended but then she started trying to jump and catch water drops in her mouth. Next thing I know, she’s in and I’m out.

 

 

What a happy dog.

 

 

 

 

 

 Splashing is Fun!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh!

 

 

 

 

Best. Day. Ever!

Exhausted Dog (Written by Mom. Yawn)

Stella had a big and exhausting day yesterday. There were about 50 people here for my oldest son’s high school graduation party. Stella spent most of the time in her “kennel” (our den with a baby gate in front of the door, a pretty nice kennel if you ask me)

She was so nervous but so very happy when some of us would step over to the gate and spend time letting her lick us and sit on our laps. Sometimes she barked and growled at people but mostly she was a bit less scared. Poor Stella. I hope she can get over her fear of strange men.

She barked and growled at my friend Nancy, too. But Nancy knows all about dogs because she’s got a big black lab of her own. When I asked her to come in a join me in Stella’s kennel, Nancy climbed right over and sat right down, turning the barking and growling Stella into Nancy’s lap dog and best friend. I love it when people understand that Stella means them no harm but is just afraid due to being a prior stray.

When the party settled down and there were only a half dozen people left, we let Stella out so she could join us in the back yard. She barked and growled a few times but then forgot all about it when she was too busy playing fetch with my husband. I was a little embarrassed when one of the families was leaving and Stella ran after them, barking. But when she was called, she came right back to us.

She just gets a little confused about remembering if she’d already barked at them or not.

Stella’s exhausted today. As am I. We had to do so much entertaining yesterday that we used up two day’s worth of energy.

Heavy Panting (Written by Mom)

My doggy lays behind me, panting and panting and panting and panting. She’s all worn out. Thing 2, Cousin Alec and I were playing fetch with her in the back yard with her new, elongated tennis ball. It’s a log shaped tennis ball with a squeaky noise. She loves it.

“Best Toy Ever!” says Stella Mirra Logic

Right now she’s also passing gas that would kill me were I less strong. I think it’s the antibiotics. That’s she’s taking for her minor skin infection (which is pretty much gone, if you ask me) I haven’t given her many treats and she’s eating a very good and healthy food by Nutrisource. So it’s got to be the antibiotics. God, I hope that’s what it is because if we have to live with her like this for the rest of her life, we’re going to have to invest in either gas masks or a doggy bubble.

She loves being able to run around in the back yard and is minding her back yard boundaries. Her feet are not allowed to touch the driveway.

“I’m a really good dog!” says Stella Mirra Logic

Another thing she likes to do is sit on my lap. Tiny little lap dog that she thinks she is. 60 lb. lap dog.

I love that I spend so much more time outside now. There’s weather out there! Did you know that?! And sunshine and breezes! It’s crazy! Who knew?!!!!

And I lost another 2 lbs. without dieting. I’m just too busy to eat!

The Dog Diet! On bookshelves in December! I kid. Don’t go looking for it you gullible guses.

In Desperate Need of Obedience Training (Mom Wrote This)

With a knee brace on one knee and an exposed humongous bruise on the other knee, I decided to take Stella for a walk at a local middle school this evening instead of a neighborhood walk. I was afraid someone might call the cops and report me abused.

I kid. I kid.

But really, this dog has put more bruises and scratches on me than I’ve ever had before. My left knee is swollen from being yanked off-kilter. And yet, I take my strong beast for a walk because that’s what she needs. Imagine how she’d be in the house if I didn’t take her for a walk. Even though she’s already run herself ragged in the back yard two times today. I’m already looking forward to her mellow, golden years.

I sent in the sign up forms for Dog Obedience classes that begin August 13. 8 weeks of me and doggy training. Unless she gets booted out for hostility. She’s moody.

Today I took her to the frame shop and she was nothing but waggy tail and please rub my bellies for Steve and Brian. But then after tonight’s walk, we dropped by my brother’s house and she barked and raised her shackles at him again. It’s obvious that he’s nervous around her and for a doggy who’s pretty lunk-headed, she’s not so dumb afterall.

She pulled at her gentle leash the entire walk and was a hyper fool when two little kids wanted to pet her. They couldn’t pet her because she was so jumpy, I practically had to sit on her. I cannot wait for those obedience training classes. I need to know what the heck to do. By the time we got back to the car she was panting like crazy and thirst as heck. I brought along a dog bowl and a gallon jug of water knowing she’d be thirsty when we were done.

Now she lays behind me, totally zonked out.

Loveable beastie.